Mother's Day

I had intended to do this post all about how this was the first Mother's Day without my grandma and all that, but I changed my mind after I went to Utah this weekend. Jay and Jared wanted to go hunting, but they were going during the week and Mandie had to work, so I went along to watch Chloe.
I have babysat tons of kids, ever since I was about 12 years old. And I have even watched my cousin's kids for a weekend when they went out of town. But I either only watched them for a day, or I had someone else to watch them with me. This time, it was just me. Morning til night. I had no idea how much work a 13 month old can be. She's up at 7 AM, we had a cuddle while watching Dora first thing. But then it was go, go, go...all day long. Play time, then breakfast, then more playtime while I was making breakfast, all the time trying to keep an eye on her. After breakfast was a bath, and then, thank goodness, nap time. But it was nap time just for her. This was my one chance to get a shower. Then I scarfed down some breakfast myself, and cleaned up the mess. By this time, she was up again. Playing and then lunching and constantly following me, wondering what I was doing. Oh my golly! By the time bedtime came around at 8, I was ready to put myself to bed too. She just wore me out!
But, oh those little moments...when I was making lunch and her little smiling face peeked around the corner...when pushing her on the swing and listening to her laugh...when we were laying on the floor playing and she pointed out my eyes, nose, and teeth, and knew where her own were as well. When rocking her to sleep, and she turned and cuddled up in my arms, and gave that little sigh that meant she was truly asleep, peaceful, happy and content. Those little moments more than made up for the fact that I hadn't worn makeup in 3 days, my hair had been in a ponytail for 3 days, and I couldn't get dora's songs out of my head. Life, and motherhood, is all about those moments.

Thanks, to all the moms out there. And a big thanks to my mom, who did that with three kids. I love you Mom!

She's really on the move now...

Got this video last night...


and this one today...


Love my baby girl. Jay said she's all over the place these days. She loves to play hide and seek, she hides behind stuff and waits until you say "where's Chloe" before she pops out. She is smiling and playing all the time. Love her so much!

Temporary home...

Tonight I went to Greg Laurie's special pre-Easter service. (He always has a Thursday night service in Irvine, and this was his Easter service for that group because he will be preaching at the Riverside church on Sunday.) His service was really good, and the gist of it is, Easter means hope. When Christ was crucified, His followers were lost, they believed He was dead and gone. They had forgotten that He said He would rise again. When the women went to the grave that morning, they had no doubt that they would find a body there. When He first appeared again, no one believed who He was. He had to show the disciples, men who had spent every day with Him, the scars on His hands before they believed Him. These men were lost, they had essentially given up. Then when He appeared hope was back. There was hope of life after death, for them and for us. We remember Good Friday, and the crucifixition with a different perspective than they did. We know that He has risen, we know that there is life after death.
Greg Laurie mentioned that this fact was especially poignant for him on this day. This would have been his son Christopher's birthday. Christopher was killed two years ago in a car accident. He said that knowing that he will see his son again, is what gets him through. I understand this feeling. I miss my grandma alot, but I know that I will see her again, and knowing this gives me peace. One day we will have a joyous reunion in front of Christ, a reunion that He died to give us. A reunion that he died to give me, and to give you.
This is one of my current favorite songs, and I think it fits in here perfectly. It's by Carrie Underwood and it's called Temporary Home. This particular video was recorded a few weeks ago, the night after she lost one of the drivers for her tour.


Old man, hospital bed,
the room is filled with people he loves,
and he whispers, don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says,
I can see God's face.
This is our temporary home,
It's not where we belong.
Windows, and rooms
that we're passing thru.
This is just a stop
on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home.

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is Chloe's first birthday!!! I can't believe she's a year old, and what a year it's been! Time sure does fly, whether you're having fun or not.
She is such a good baby. They were here over the weekend and she barely got any sleep and she was still so happy. She loved crawling down my parents long hallway and staring at herself in the mirror. She's crawling all over these days. She's walking around furniture, and loves to walk holding someone's hands. She is no longer content to just sit on your lap and play, this girl wants to be on the move! She's a great eater too. We gave her her first fried egg, smashed up, and she loved it! And although she liked playing with her spaghetti more than eating it, she loved the meatballs! She loves dogs. She has two big dogs at home, and she loved out dog. I put her in the back yard in her walker and she chased Tessie all over the backyard, she wouldn't top laughing. Her daddy is her favorite person, no matter what she is doing, if she sees him, she just wants him to hold her. (Not my favorite thing, because even if I'm holding her, she wants to be with him, and I don't like to give her up!)
I love her so much! I just wish my grandma was here to enjoy her. She loved kids, and would have loved this little girl so much. But I'll tell Chloe all about her, and make sure she knows that her Ema loved her while they were on this earth together!

Obsessed

I love to read, I mean really love to read. My books are special friends, and when I get into a good book, I really get into it. I'm right there with the characters, feeling what they feel, living what they are living. So I had decided recently to start the Twilight series. Yes, I know I'm late jumping on that bandwagon, but I just hadn't had time to read them. So anyway, I started book one, late Tuesday night and oh my goodness! I couldn't put it down. I read all 500 pages, in just about 4 and a half hours. And I totally get it now, I get what all those 14 year old girls were swooning over. Edward Cullen...wow, just wow!!! So in typical fashion, I'm officially obsessed. (This is why I cannot ever try drugs, I have a very addictive personality, I find something I like and I surround myself with it, every minute I can.) I went out and bought the movie, and the rest of the books. I haven't started New Moon yet, I'm not sure if I wanna read it right away, or wait until the happy glow from the first one subsides. Anyway, I'm gonna watch the movie tonight, I've heard it's not that great, but I'm sure it will be my new favorite movie for now. Or at least until New Moon comes out on DVD. Which by the way is March 20th. I already checked. And Eclipse comes out the day after my birthday, so guess who will be standing in line at midnight. :)

Refiner's Fire

As we were singing the song in church, it reminded me of this email I got a year ago....


Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get
back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
is to be holy,
set apart for you, Lord.
I choose to be holy,
set apart for you, my Master
ready to do your will.

Operation Love the Children of Haiti

My cousin (well technically its my mom's first cousin, but that still makes him my cousin) runs an orphanage in Haiti with his wife and son. From what I understand the orphanage survived the earthquake but it's the only house on their street still left standing. They cannot go into the house because of aftershocks, but they are all doing well. They have supplies, but need prayers. Please keep them in your prayers, that they may use this tragedy to witness for Christ's love. For their website go here (although even in good times it is hard to keep up to date). Go here for their facebook group. Here is a video of a man who was volunteering in the orphanage when the earthquake struck. Watch the video and hear about how God kept them safe. Again, what they need most is prayers, so please include them in your prayers for Haiti. Thanks!

ps...the pics are from their facebook group page. there are also more on the website.

November is over?

Wow time flies. Tomorrow is December 1st. I can't believe the year is almost over.
So before we get to Christmas here's my Thanksgiving report....it was tons of fun.
Jay and Mandie and Chloe got here late Tuesday night. Chloe is the cutest baby ever, and so sweet. She's got the best disposition, just happy all the time. And she's at a fun age, she plays with her toys, and gets so excited about everything. You can tell she is just itching to get down and play with all the kids.
My other cousins from Arizona came with their kids. They have 9 and 13 year old girls, and a 6 year old boy. I love these kids, they are so much fun. Thanksgiving day was a busy day, usually we do it at my grandparents house, but this year it was at my parents house. We had 26 people over and had to cook a ton of food. Even with all those people we had a ton of leftovers.
On Friday we just stayed home and played with the kids, paper airplane wars, Phase 10 games, walks around the block, naps, fetch with the dog, all in all it was a very fun day. Saturday we decided to go up to Venice Beach, we had gone there two years ago when my cousins were out here for Thanksgiving and had a lot of fun. It's always interesting to people watch there. We rented one of those tandem bikes, riding that was interesting. And we got the yummiest donuts fresh from the fryer. Mmmmm.
Sunday was a sad day....everyone went home. I slept all day to make up for all the lost sleep over the weekend. :)
Tomorrow is December 1st and Christmas is only 23 days away. I haven't even started shopping or anything. I think I'm gonna do the decorations tomorrow. It will be another interesting holiday, the first one without my grandma.

Thanksgiving....

Today is Thanksgiving. So in the spirit of the holiday here are the things I'm grateful for this year....
1. God's love. The love that He has for me that He sent His Son here to suffer and die for me, to pardon my sins. And knowing that I have eternal life in Him. That because He died and rose again, I can live forever in heaven with Him. I would not have been able to make it thru the loss of my grandma without knowing that this separation is only temporary. I will see her again one day, and that makes the pain of loss bearable. And, for that, I am grateful.

2. My family. I have the best family. We may not be perfect, but no matter what, thru thick and thin, we always stick together. And, for that, I am grateful.

3. My niece being born. This little baby is the biggest blessing. She's such a happy baby, and just thinking about her makes me smile. She's only been in my life for 8 months, but I cannot imagine life without her, and for that, I am grateful.

4. My friends. I may not have alot of friends, but the one's I do have are great. I know I can count on these girls, and hope they know they can count on me. And for that, I am grateful.

5. Facebook. Ok, you might be thinking this one is a little strange, but Facebook has brought me back into contact with some old friends that I would otherwise probably have never spoken to again, and for that, I'm grateful.

6. My job. In this economy to have a job is a good thing. To have a job that I like, with people I like, is truly a blessing. And for that, I am grateful.

7. My dad quitting smoking. Never in my life did I think I would see the day that my dad would quit smoking, but he's gone cold turkey for 6 weeks now and for that I am grateful.

8. The perfect mac and cheese recipe. I perfected my own recipe this year, not only is it fantastically yummy, but I have a wonderful potluck dish that every one loves and frequently requests, and for that, I am grateful.

9. The new Arby's by my house. Arby's is one of my favorite fast food places, but up until a few months ago, there was not one within a 10 mile range of my house. Now there is one just about a mile away, and for that, I am grateful.

10 Twenty minutes on the last Saturday in August. This was back when my grandma was still sick, it was the day we really realized that things were bad. I was at my parents house when my mom came home from my grandparents and said things were really bad. I headed up there and found my grandma laying in her bed. I laid in bed with her and just snuggled up with her and told her that I loved her. And even though it was not the last time, it was 20 minutes that no one else had, just her and I. And I will never forget it, and for that I am grateful.

I've been a bad blogger lately...

Seems I haven't been on here in a week. Oops! So what's new...well I worked a bunch of hours this week, at least that's my excuse for not posting. :)
I redecorated my bedroom, repainted it, got some new furniture, and changed some stuff around. I'll upload pics and post them soon.
That's pretty much the only exciting thing around here. Just getting ready for Thanksgiving next week. My niece is coming out, I'm so excited to see her. It's been almost 2 months since we've seen her, and I know she's changed alot in that time. :)

In everything, give thanks

I tend to be a glass half empty kinda girl. And while I am conscious of this, I tend to fail at the whole "look at the bright side" attitude. So I'm starting a gratitude journal. I know that I am blessed in all things, and so this is my way of reminding myself. So when I start to get that half-empty attitude, I can remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life. Big things and little things. Everything.
So I'll post some of the things I write in the journal, but mostly it's for me. To remind myself of all the good things in life. I encourage you to start one too.

(My printing is not very neat here. I'm kinda disappointed in it.)

"Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything, give thanks. For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

A new challenge

Fifteen days ago, my mom and I were in the kitchen at my parents house talking when my dad came in. He was coughing and looking for some cold medicine. My mom told him he was starting to sound like my aunt, who has been a smoker for years and has a horrible smoker's cough. (She probably has emphysema.) So anyway, my dad said it was just a cold, but my mom and I told him it was from his smoking. (For a long time, he's done this weird clearing his throat thing, but has never really had a "smoker's cough." This is new for him.) I'm not sure how long he has smoked, but he is 60 years old, so it's probably been close to 45 years. That day he decided to quit. It's been 15 days and he hasn't had so much as one cigarrette. Cold turkey. My mom told him she would go get him the patch or gum or that new medicine chantix, but he said no. He's been sucking on Werther's candies to help him get thru. I'm so proud of him. I never thought he would do it. I hope and pray that he keeps going strong.

And if he can do it, I can do it. I'm not a smoker but I could stand to lose a few pounds. Ok, maybe more than a few. So I'm gonna do it. I took my first spin class ever today. And although I couldn't totally keep up with the rest of the people in the class, I did complete it. All 50 minutes. I may not have stood up all the times they did, but I never stopped pedaling.

Tomorrow I'm gonna make my dad oatmeal raisin cookies. They're his favorite, and now that his taste buds and sense of smell should be coming back, I'm sure they'll be tastier than ever. (I don't like raisins, so no worries about me eating them, and failing on my end!)
I'm proud of my dad, and hopefully one day, I'll be proud of myself for losing a bunch of weight. Here's hoping we both keep going strong.

A little scary...

Friday was a bit of a freaky day for me....


I very rarely remember my dreams, and I can't tell you how long it's been since I've had a nightmare, maybe when I was a kid, but it's been years. Anyway so I went to bed Thursday night listening to the TV like I always do, Nick at Nite so nothing scary. I woke up at 3:06 when the satellite turned off to update like it does everynight. I turned the TV off and went back to sleep. I woke up at 3:13 in a total panic. I had had a dream that someone had come into my room and was trying to steal me out of my bed. They had picked me up out of my bed and were carrying me out the window. I woke up totally freaked out and with my heart racing. It felt so real because I didn't even remember falling asleep, so I thought that it had really happened. It had only been a few minutes since I fell back asleep. I laid in bed for a few hours before I calmed down enough to go back to sleep. It was getting light out before I closed my eyes again.


So then, I was gone all day on Friday. When I left it was such a nice day out, that I left the front window open. When I came home, it was dark out, and I noticed that the screen was broken. Not just broken, but smashed and hanging from the frame. I had a voicemail from my neighbor that I hadn't listened to, until that moment, and he said that he noticed the screen broken at about 5pm and so he reached in and closed the glass so that my cat wouldn't get out, but that he didn't know how the screen got broken. So then I was really worried because I thought someone might be hiding in there. So I called my parents and they came and we checked out the house and all was ok, but still it was a bit of a freaky day. I thought the man from my dream had broken in and was waiting under my bed to steal me. Very scary.

My busted out screen.

Jealous???

I went to the beach today! Yup, the beach, in October. And it was absolutely beautiful! Aiden and I went with my friend from work and her little girl. The kids had a blast playing in the water, while Nell and I sat in the sand and enjoyed the warm sun. I'm sure all the people in the rest of the country who are freezing in their snow boots are jealous! And it's supposed to be warm all week. 80's and balmy...perfect fall weather. :)

PS: I'd have pictures, but I left my camera in the car :(

I'm so excited

The Angels are going to the ALCS. Yippee! It's very exciting around here. They swept the Sox which no one expected them to do. I didn't get to go to any of the games, because I was in pain all week. (See post below) But I'm hoping to go to one game this series. Hopefully they can kick the Yankees a$$e$. I can't stand the Yankees. Go Angels!!!


My favorite current Angel, Mike Napoli :)

I'm adopting

For the last few days my back has been killing me. I've come to the conclusion that it's a kidney stone. And, oh my golly does it hurt. If having kids is worse than this, I'm adopting for sure. I have never felt pain like this. My whole back hurts, I can barely walk. And everytime I try to pee, the pain just intensifies to unbearable. Then my back is so stiff I can barely get up off the toilet. I know, it's more info than you wanted to know, but too bad, I like to share. Anyway, I'm hoping to give birth to this stone soon, and then to be pain free. I'll let you know when the happy day arrives. :)

Watching re-runs

Friday was my grandma's memorial, and I will blog about that later, but just wanted to post this now. So all the family was here and we were all at my parents house yesterday. My mom, uncle, brother and I were having a conversation about heaven when my uncle said he wanted to watch re-runs in heaven. We all looked at him like he was crazy. I've watched enough re-runs of I Love Lucy and Gilligan's Island here on earth, I don't need to spend eternity doing it. Then he explained that he meant re-runs of our lives. To watch your kids grow up again, to watch your own childhood again, and see your parents and grandparents grow up. Even to watch historical figures, ever wonder what Abe Lincoln was like as a kid? Find out now. Or maybe even Jesus himself as a child.
I realize that no one here on earth knows what heaven is like, but I'm with my uncle.... I hope at least part of it is spent watching re-runs.

How are you doing?

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing, and I know that they all mean well, but it's such a silly question. I mean do people want the real answer...I'm just kinda numb, and sometimes I forget about it, but then I remember and cry again? Am I supposed to say that I'm doing ok? (Which would be really weird given the circumstances.) I know people don't know what to say, and that they really do care, and they mean well. I just didn't realize how many times people say that, myself included. And now I wonder how many times people just say they're fine even when they are not, because that is the standard answer to the question.
PS: Right now, for me, the answer would be, I'm hanging in there. Getting done what needs to be done, trying to be there for my mom, planning the service, and some moments are better than others.

I don't know how to say this

My grandma passed away last Sunday night. As hard as it is to write about this, I want to get the details down on "paper" so that I never forget it.

All last week she kept getting progressively weaker. Tuesday we called family and they started making arrangements to come out. Thursday morning our pastor, who has known my grandparents for 40+ years, came out to see my grandma. She asked him if we had a memorial service would he do it. And yes, she said if. Crazy lady. After he left, we told her again that her kidneys were probably failing and asked again if she wanted us to take her into the hospital. She said, very firmly, no. She knew what was going on and wanted to be at home with her family.

Thursday afternoon my brother came in from Utah to see her. She was laying in her bed and my mom walked into the room ahead of my brother and said someone was here to see her. She saw that it was my brother and said "Oh, Jay!" with a big smile on her face. She was excited to see him. That afternoon my great aunt and cousin (my grandma's sister and her son) came in from Arizona to see her. I know my grandma was glad to see her sister one more time.

Thursday night she was really weak, and kept asking when my uncle (her youngest son) was coming in. We kept telling her that he was flying in early Friday morning and would be here when she woke up. Friday morning my job was to go pick up my uncle and cousin at the airport, when my mom texted me to hurry, that the timing would be close. Little did we know how wrong we were.

Friday she was still awake enough to talk, not to hold a real conversation, but to say a few words here and there. Everyone was there. All of her kids, and all but one of the grandkids (he lives in Virginia and just couldn't get out here). We all took turns sitting by her bedside and talking with her. Friday afternoon hospice came out and we got her started on that. They were wonderful, and I definitely wouldn't want to do this without them. They left medicine for pain and shortness of breath. Mostly just to relax her.

Saturday morning was just bad. She was struggling to breathe and asking how much longer. We just kept medicating her. My grandpa sat by her bedside for hours, talking to her, holding her hand, stroking her forehead. It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear him encouraging her to take that last step. We all told her that we loved her, but we didn't want her to be like this, so we told her to hurry and run to her eternal reward. Her breathing was so labored and shallow that we really thought it could be any moment. But she was a fighter, her heart was beating strong and just wasn't ready to give up yet.

She wasn't really responsive at this time, except when my grandpa was talking to her. She would become so relaxed and her breathing would become easier. We think she knew he was there, and felt safe with him. He said "my baby loves me so much, she just doesn't want to leave me." And we think he was right.

She hung in there all night Saturday night. Sunday morning was the same thing, really shallow, labored breathing. But her heart was still beating strong. Again my grandpa sat by her bedside for hours. He kept asking for one more smile. Around 5pm something changed. Her breathing got even more shallow. We called the hospice nurse out and she said it was imminent. So we all gathered around her bed. My grandpa sat by her head, my mom and uncle were each holding a hand. A couple cousins and I, and my great-aunt were rubbing her legs. And at 9:25pm she finally gave us one last smile, took her final breath, and finally took that step into heaven.

We were all heartbroken, but had our spirits lifted by that last smile. We know that she saw were she was going, and the faces of all the loved ones who went before. That last smile was for us, to let us know that she made it, and to reassure us that we will see her again one day.

My grandma and I after my high school graduation

A Big Scare

I should never say that things aren't too exciting around here anymore. When I do, things just get exciting and not usually in a good way. My grandma gave us quite the scare yesterday. On Friday, my mom talked to the doctor and he said that we are going to need to decide soon how we want to continue my grandma's care. Do we want to continue to be aggressive or do we want to stop everything and consider hospice care. He said that he just doesn't see her pulling out of this. So on Saturday morning my mom went to talk to her and she said that she knew she was reaching the end. When my mom went back in the afternoon, she was so weak she could barely hold her head up. We thought she was gonna fall out of her wheelchair. She said that she wanted to go back to lay down in bed. We were thinking it was just going to be a matter of a few days until she wasn't with us anymore. Luckily it was just a scare, it seems it was the heat that had been getting to her. After laying down in the cooled room, she was much better last night. Not that she's doing all that great, but at least we are not talking in numbers of days now. We still need to decide how we want to continue her care, but at least, it seems, we have some time to decide what to do.