Tales from the ER...

I just have to share my night at work with you. Seriously I wish you all could have been flies on the wall, because unless you saw it you will not truly comprehend the majesty that was the ER Friday night.
So my night starts like this, I get report from the day shift nurse and she tells me to watch out for bed 5 because he's been hypersexual and hitting on everyone and making inappropriate comments. So I avoided going into the room for a good hour, but then I had to. I wish I had the words to describe this guy to you. Picture one of the Hansen boys, with a long scraggly bowl haircut, in the gurney with just his pants on, he took the gown off to show off his manly (or not) chest, sunglasses on. Trying to be cool. So I walk in all no nonsense and thinking I'm gonna be all firm with him. Unfortunately I was walking in to get a urine sample from him so I'm sure that just played to his fantasies. I ended up sending the one male nurse we have in to try to get it from him and I overhear the patient asking the nurse "Do I look buff to you? I mean do I have a nice body? Good muscles? Do I intimidate you?" It was all I could do to keep from laughing. A little bit later I go in the room to tell him he is going to be admitted and he asks me if I'm mad at him. Then he tells me that I "put the naughty in naughty nurse" and asks me if I'm gonna be his nurse for the rest of the night. Five minutes later, I have to go in the room again, as I'm approaching the curtain I hear some strange noise coming from inside the room. I rip back the curtain and find him pleasuring himself. I yell that he needs to stop that immediately which of course draws the attention of the family member in the room next to him. The look on that guys face was classic!
So I finally get this guy upstairs and the next patient in that bed wasn't much better, although much more harmless. He kept asking me if he had nice muscles, and when I had to give him a shot in the butt he said it was ok because "your cute and I have a nice butt"!!!! What the hello?!?! If he only knew how many butts I've seen, trust me his wasn't that impressive!
The most fun part of the night however was the drunk lady that came in a few hours later. Luckily she wasn't my patient, but in the spirit of teamwork I decided to help a fellow nurse out. So this chic rolls in via the paramedics, she had been drinking in downtown HB and apparently passed out or something like that. So she comes in covered in vomit and stinking to high heaven. So Heather, Kelly, and I go into the room to get her triaged and situated. We had to gown up with masks and all cuz it stunk so bad. She's in these tiny painted on skinny jeans that are covered in vomit. Heather and I just wanted to cut them off, but Kelly insisted on taking them off. So she starts pulling the jeans off and notices something dark in them.
Kelly says "Uh I think she started her period"
Heather and I: "Um no Kelly, that's poop!" She had crapped her pants. The smell was so awful Kelly almost puked right then and there.
So the patient meantime, is so freaking drunk she's like a ragdoll. She keeps trying to sit up but just keeps flopping around. She's spitting at us so we threw a sheet over her head. Then she sits up like she's gonna puke, Heather grabs a bucket and holds it under her mouth, the patient puked in it, then immediately flopped down into the bucket face first. So we just left her like that, face down in a vomit filled bucket. She wakes up a minute later and starts flopping around again, picture a fish out of water. She's spitting at us again and shaking her finger at us like she's really gonna do something, she ralphs again.
So by this time we're trying to start an IV and were playing everyone's favorite guessing game...what did she eat for dinner? The conclusion, reached by looking at her vomit, was seafood. So we clean her up, throw her vomit, poop and pee soaked clothes into a bag and set them outside to save for her. She wakes up a few hours later and asks for her clothes, so we give them to her. She opens the bag, in which the clothes have now been fermenting in all those bodily fluids for hours, takes a nice big whiff of the smell and pukes again!
I wish to goodness that I had videotaped this night, words just can't do it justice. But now when you all complain about your jobs, just picture me playing what was for dinner, and it probably won't seem so bad!