Tales from the ER....

So it's been awhile since I've done one of these, but I just had to share my story with you...

Last night, I pull up to work and there's one ambulance, one fire truck, and five police cars outside the ER door. Now the ambulance and fire truck are nothing, but the five police cars, that's a bit unusual. I walk in and hear someone screaming and yelling, not unusual. So I peek my head into the room to see what was going on. I see a black woman lying on the bed, in four-point restraints (both wrists and ankles.) Alex, our tech, and 5 or 6 officers were in the room with her. I went to go see if any patients were in triage and then came back to watch the show. That was when Alex grabbed me and told me she needed help. Apparently the woman was half dressed and because all the officers were male, we needed to get her covered up. So we walk into the room and this is what happens....

The woman is lying on the bed with her shorts around her ankles. We didn't bother trying to get her shorts up, we were more concerned with just covering her up and decided to throw a sheet on her. But she kept twisting around so the sheet would fall off. (I need to insert here that the woman was clearly homeless, and a drug addict. She was dirty and stinky. Emphasis on stinky!) So Alex and I kept trying to tuck the sheet under her, but somehow she managed to keep taking it off. She kept saying "My p---y is sweaty! My p---y is sweaty!" We finally got her covered up and I left to find out from the officers what the story was.
Apparently, the woman was a lady of the night. She was found riding on the roof of the car of her john, naked, down Beach Blvd. The story was that he had picked her up in a neighboring county 10 hours earlier, they had spent the day together doing what they do. Then she freaked out on him, kicked out his car windows and climbed on top of his car, while he was still driving. He just kept driving with her screaming and yelling, naked on top of the car. Good samaritans called 911.

We had a good laugh, picturing that, and wondering what kind of guy wants to get his next to hers. So the police keep interviewing her and it comes out that she's got a crack pipe stashed in a very intimate spot. Because the police are taking her to jail, we've gotta get that out. So I went to tell the doctor the good news. He tried to get me to do it, but I told him because he's got the fancy degree he gets the pleasure. So Alex, the doctor and I walk into the room. He tells the lady of the night what he going to do and she yells out, as loud as she can, "Oh no you ain't! My p---y is sore! Too much been goin' on down there already today. You ain't doin' nothin'! My p---y hurts!"

Since the patient refused we can't do anything about it. Because the police need her clothes for evidence, we've got to strip her down, and since all the officers are guys, Alex and I get the pleasure of doing it. So we strip her down, stick her in a biohazard suit and send her out with the officers. And thank the ER gods that they didn't decide to just leave her with us all night.

About 4 or 5 hours later, I get a text message from one of the officers...the crack pipe had just fallen out onto the jail floor. In the cell next to her was the john, I'll let you figure out how the crack pipe fell out!

Sometimes, if I didn't experience these nights first hand, I wouldn't even believe it was real.