Tales from the ER

A note to my patient last night....

Because I know you don't remember what you did, allow me to refresh your memory. You are a young girl, probably very pretty, but it is hard to tell, because I have only seen you covered in your own vomit. The police brought you in, hog-tied because you kicked out the police car window, and your face, hair, and clothes were soaked in vomit. The police said that you had taken a bunch of tylenol trying to kill yourself, and yup, there was evidence of partially digested pills in your vomitus.

I'm sure you are wondering why you are so sore this morning. Well that is because we had to tie you to the bed. You were kicking and swinging at us, and we just can't have that now. We tried to tell you to lay still, but you just wouldn't listen. When we tied your hands and legs you were laying on your back, but somehow you managed to twist yourself around so you were laying on your stomach, I'm sure you're feeling that pain in your shoulders today. Oops. Next time listen when we say lay still.

The pain in your throat is from the large tube we had to stick down there to wash out your stomach. Let me tell you that was an adventure. It took two cops, two nurses, and a tech to hold you down enough to get that done. I was the lucky one who got to shove the tube in your throat, and had to hold it at the lip while another nurse dumped a bunch of fluids into your stomach. The unfortunate result of dumping all those fluids in, is that they must come back out. So, while we were trying to suck them back out, I guess we weren't fast enough for you, because you promptly vomited again. And because I was the lucky one holding the tube, you vomited all over my hands. Good thing I was wearing gloves.

I'm sure you're also wondering why you have blood around your nose. Well that is your own fault. After we took the tube out of your mouth, we had to stick another one into your nose that goes down into your stomach. (The tube in your mouth can't stay in, this one can, so thats why we had to do both.) Anyway we got the tube in, and gave you the charcoal (more on that later), but when we had to untie your hand to move you, you immediately yanked that tube out. Again, we told you not to do it, but you just didn't listen. We told you it would hurt, but I guess you're just one of those people who have to see for yourself.

So back to the charcoal. What people don't know, is that tylenol is one of the worst drugs to overdose on, it won't kill you, but it will ruin your liver. Seriously. So we had to give you charcoal, it binds with any undigested pills and prevents them from being absorbed into your system. This was given via the tube in your nose. Charcoal is thick, black and nasty. Not fun to give. But you took it like a champ. Of course you didn't have a choice, because, again we gave it via the tube. The unfortunate side effect of charcoal though, is it makes you really sick to your stomach. About half hour after you yanked out the NG tube, you started to vomit that charcoal back out. You were laying on your right side at this time, so there wasn't much risk of aspirating. After you vomited, you laid your head right back down into it. We tried to tell you not too, but again you didn't listen. And this time you fought back a bit. You rolled around in that nasty stuff and got it all over you, so we moved you to a clean bed, but you vomited all over again. This time it was projectile. It splattered everywhere, including on me. Now my cute green scrub pants are permanently stained with your charcoal vomit. Thanks for that. So anyway you kept rolling around in this nasty stuff. And the thing is, charcoal vomit is horrible. It is black and chalky, and well, it stains. I'm sure you would be aware of this, if you could get to a mirror, but I know you can't so allow me to tell you what you look like. Your face, arms, chest (yes, your chest, you wouldn't keep your clothes on either) are smeared in black. Your pasty white face, looks like an african american. And it's in your hair too, mixed with the vomit from earlier. If I were you, I'd plan on getting a haircut when I left the hospital. You'll never get the black stains out from your blonde hair.

Anyway, the main point of this letter is to let you know, that while we were doing all of this to try to save your life, and your liver (although you'll probably kill that by drinking, the police said they found you in a room littered with beer bottles), YOU BIT ME!!! Yes, you read that right, you bit me. So I just wanted to know if your vaccinations are up to date, or do I need to get a rabies shot?

Thanks.
And by the way, you're welcome for saving your life.